


for the last time

by Mow



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, M/M, Possible Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 09:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20704100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mow/pseuds/Mow
Summary: There are no rushing steps and no yelled words, no goodbyes, no nothing. Just-- Robert, and his mistakes, and the consequences.





	for the last time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [their_dark_materials](https://archiveofourown.org/users/their_dark_materials/gifts).

> Quoted lyrics from Sufjan Steven's [Visions of Gideon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDgR3FNlsUM). I also recommend listening to KT Tunstall's [Tiny Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR3dZiVbyjQ).

_I have loved you for the last time_  
_is it a video? is it a video?_  
_I have touched you for the last time_  
_is it a video? Is it a video?_  
_for the love, for laughter, I flew up to your arms_  
_is it a video? is it a video?_

.  
.  
.

Robert is aching.

From Aaron’s fingers, his mouth, his teeth, his everything-- Robert’s body is aching. Pleasantly so.

Which only makes the rest of the aching worse-- from the imminent loss of all the touches and kisses and looks that he won’t get anymore.

His body still feels it, though. Aches for more. _Still?_, and a nod as an answer. Still. His eyes are blurry at the edges as he looks at the sleeping form of his husband, his beautiful husband on the bed, unaware of what’s about to happen. What Robert’s about to do.

He tries to engrave it all in his mind, like Aaron did with the watch Robert’s got in his hands. He has finished getting dressed but for the first time in a year the watch doesn’t go where it belongs. He’s afraid that if he puts it on, he won’t muster up the courage to take it off.

He’s gotta do it, though. Leave this all behind-- the view of Aaron’s naked back, lines of muscle softening in his sleep. Sheets pooling around his legs, legs that had been intertwined in Robert’s when they fell asleep, Robert’s right arm circling him from behind, rubbing absently up and down his chest until he felt Aaron falling asleep.

He had waited, and waited, and waited. Made sure that Aaron wouldn’t wake up when he moved. He’s still waiting-- almost willing Aaron to wake up so he’d catch Robert in the act and not let him go. He wouldn’t, he would never let Robert go, and yet here he is, _going__\-- _ __

Robert had been the one to pull Aaron into his arms earlier. They were both still sweaty and spent, and for once Robert hadn’t worried about getting them both cleaned first-- Aaron had turned to lie on his side but Robert had nudged at his hip once and Aaron, sleepy-eyed and soft Aaron, had looked at him and mumbled, “Rob--?”, but just as soon he was turning to face Robert as if knowing that Robert needed-- needed to feel and keep him close, not as close as they had been with Aaron’s cock inside Robert, pounding into him, but in other ways closer still. So Aaron had let Robert make them wrap themselves around each other, let Robert feel the beat pulsing through his body in the aftermath. Erratic exhaling, breathing each other in, bodies melting and molding together, feeling the shape of muscles, arms, spine, sweat, every bump and slide that defined them under ever learning fingertips. Aaron falling asleep almost immediately, and Robert fighting his own.

It was with a lot of effort that he had let Aaron go and watched him slowly turn around in his sleep, his back now to Robert as he found a more comfortable position.

And now, here he is. Looking at Aaron, longing for him, missing him. He’s aching and yet still wishing Aaron’s fingers could imprint themselves on his skin-- that he could keep feeling them inside him, around him, gripping at his skin, blunt nails as half crescents on his flesh. Aaron’s fingers-- bitten around the edges, sometimes annoying Robert when pressed against his palm, but oh so delicious to be prepped by. To wait for. To come to.

Aaron’s fingers, reaching for him in the middle of the night, reaching for his own in the middle of the street, pulling and keeping him close. Little things speaking louder than big words.

The screen of his phone flashes with an incoming text and he’s almost grateful to be pulled from his own mind. Almost. He doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to lose what had taken him so long to find, only to lose and find again, but--

_10 min._ is all he gets, the text so brief and so like Cain he would laugh if it weren’t an ultimatum.

He looks at Aaron again. Wills him to wake up, again.

But he doesn’t.

He doesn’t wake up when Robert gets up and off the bed, doesn’t make a sound as Robert silently climbs down the stairs, doesn’t show up at the door when Robert hesitates at the threshold before finally closing the door behind him. There are no rushing steps and no yelled words, no goodbyes, no nothing. Just-- Robert, and his mistakes, and the consequences.

.  
.  
.

Robert’s got the watch in his hands, his eyes on the numbers, two of the happiest days of his life, but he’s not really seeing them. His eyes are blurry at the ages, have been for a long time now, and yet--

He feels too much to let it out. He has, he will, but not now. Not after all it took to come to terms with his decision. Leaving his home, leaving his family, leaving his husband--

He swallows. Lets his eyes close for a second or two, grips tighter at the wristband, thumb hovering just under the engraved dates. He has to leave this behind, too. For the plan to work. But how does he put that into words?

“_Sugden_.” Cain’s voice sounds impatient, even more so than usual. Maybe he’s already tried to get his attention before, what with Robert promising him that he had a way for Aaron to believe that he had been inside the car when it fell into the water.

“I’ve never--” His voice catches. He can’t look at Cain, but he can picture his jaw twitching. Robert’s peripheral vision shows him turning slightly to the side, either out of embarrassment or to give Robert some privacy-- to mourn? To gather himself?

“I never take this off,” he finally says, and catches a very contrite nod from Cain. “They’ll never find a body, or at least not my body, but if they find this Aaron will--” He has to shake his head from the images that turn up: future Aaron and his desperation at the idea that Robert-- “He will believe. He has to believe, because if he does the police will stop looking for me.”

Cain frowns. Robert has already thought of that, of the plot holes-- _Aaron might also think that you were in the car but that you somehow got out. It won’t make sense that you were wearing that and it somehow unwrapped itself from around your wrist_.

“What if I put it in the glove compartment?”

“Ya just said--”

“But I was in a rush to get out of the house before Aaron woke up. I was speed driving and a car hit me and I had no time to put it on. I was--”

Cain grimaces at his rambling. It’s as good as saying that if Aaron so much as suspects that Robert is still alive, this will all have been for nothing.

They had already talked about all this before, though. Him and Cain. He was still surprised that the man had showed up at all. The last time they spoke Cain had simply hung up without giving a final answer. Robert couldn’t fault him for that, not when he had already said before that he would not lie to Aaron for him. But this time it was different-- he would be lying _for_ Aaron, or at least that was what Robert kept telling himself. Better to believe he was dead than to hope he would someday leave prison when that was just not happening. He couldn’t do that to Aaron, couldn’t have him wasting his life away, all in vain. He couldn’t--

“You ain’t coming back. Ever.”

Robert nods. That seems to be all that Cain needed-- and after that, it’s all numbness. Leaving tire marks on the asphalt, braking, getting out of the car, watching as Cain hits it with another, but not taking the risk of falling into the water himself-- no, the final push is theirs, and the car falls into the water, and the watch is in there--

And Robert is aching, aching, aching__..._ _


End file.
